No Mess
by Purpuhl
Summary: Whithersoever there be dogs in the universe, there shall be messes. And invariably, the least qualified person will be called upon to clean them up. (Also known as, the one shot where Dameon does not like dogs. Obviously.)


_Just so you know, in case you are new to my stories, the dog's name is No. That is all! Read on._

* * *

Dameon couldn't make dinner, because No was begging for scraps, and the dog was so filthy that his stench was making Dameon gag. But when Dameon tried to tell Galahad that No needed a bath, the paladin only shrugged and said No was Lars' dog, and then he left to duel with Rhen in the practice yard.

Lars was in the library with the door closed; Dameon could tell because No was now sitting patiently in the hallway outside, and he rushed in when Dameon opened the door.

Lars glanced up from the book he was reading and wrinkled his nose at Dameon. "You smell," he said, and turned back to his novel.

Dameon blinked. "That's No. He needs a bath."

Lars turned a page. "Tell Galahad."

This was when Dameon realized he would have to clean No himself, or the dog would be filthy forever. _Ugh_.

He had never bathed an animal before. The Sun Temple and Tear Shrine weren't exactly suitable places to keep pets, and the binis always took care of themselves. But he guessed it couldn't be that different from bathing a person, so he went outside to get a bucket of water to fill up the wash tub with.

Somehow, by means mysterious to Dameon, No figured out what he was doing, and when Dameon returned with the water the dog was trying to hide under the table.

It might have worked, if he didn't smell so bad.

"Come on, No!" Dameon grunted, kneeling on the ground trying to pull the dog back out into the open. No whined and sat stubbornly on his hind legs. Dameon grabbed his front paws and started to pull him across the floor— but No barked suddenly and knocked a chair over on top of Dameon.

"Augh! No!" Dameon yelled, trying to get the chair off himself while No jumped up on the table and knocked over the bucket Dameon had filled not five minutes ago.

Water spilled everywhere, soaking the table, chairs, and floor, and soaking Dameon, and worst of all, soaking No's filthy paws, so that when he jumped off the table and ran into the hall he left large muddy footprints behind him.

"No! Get back here!" Dameon chased after the dog, having successfully stood up after knocking over another three chairs in his haste.

"Arf!" No barked, now standing on top of the sofa in the drawing room.

"Get down, No!"

But No didn't get down, instead opting to put his muddy paws on the wall and whine.

"No!" Dameon scolded, successfully wrapping his arms around the dog's middle. "We are going to the washroom!" he said, with a feeling somewhere between exasperation and triumph, and then—

"What _are_ you doing, boy?" Pirate John was standing in the doorway, surveying the mess with his one eye and looking disgusted.

Dameon tried not to look at the mayhem he knew was all around him, and tried not to fume at being called boy. "No needs a bath," he explained, readjusting the dog in his arms to prevent an escape attempt.

John blinked at him— or maybe he winked, it was hard to tell. "Do what you gotta, but I'm not going to be the one to explain what happened when Rhen gets back."

Dameon tried to appear unconcerned, and, blessedly, the pirate walked away before the breath he was holding escaped. And then he took a moment to shiver because Rhen terrified him in a completely new and awful, familiar, wonderful way and he didn't want to think about it— so he patted No on the head and marched off to the washroom.

And then, he realized he'd forgotten the bucket. And the bucket didn't have any water in it. Because No had knocked it over.

He put the dog in the tub and growled, "Stay!" And then he tried to leave the room and keep No in the room, but the dog poked his nose between Dameon's leg and the door, so Dameon had to close the door on his leg to push No back in, and then pull his leg out of the door slowly, but finally the door was closed and he could go get water from the well. _Again._

When he came back, he could hear No whining inside the washroom. Dameon sighed and opened the door just enough to squeeze through it. Water splashed on his feet; he ignored it.

"Okay, No," he said. "You are going to get in the tub, and I am going to pour this water over you, and you are going to stay. Got it?"

"Arf!"

"Good boy."

No wagged his tail and panted, but as soon as Dameon set the water bucket down, the dog ran up to it and tried to drink out of it.

"No!" Dameon groaned. "Get in the tub!" He picked up the dog and carried him to the basin by the wall. No looked up at him and whined.

"Sit!"

And to his infinite surprise, the dog sat, looking very miserable and meek.

"Good boy! Now, stay—" No stood up. "No! Stay... Stay..."

The dog _actually_ stayed. Dameon brought over the bucket, kneeled beside the basin, and poured some of the water over the dog. It turned brown almost immediately, and as it drained it left behind large chunks of mud, which was disgusting. But, whatever was in the water and on the tub was _not_ on No, which was nice. (And he was not going to think about what "whatever" might be, not for all the gold in Aia.)

No whined and pressed his soaked, muddy, smelly head into Dameon's chest. Just when he'd started to dry, too.

Dameon sighed. He would have to do laundry later. "I know, No. It's gross. But if you would clean _yourself_ like Softly, you wouldn't have this problem."

No nodded his head and whined again, which was really so pathetic that it was touching, and Dameon patted him on the head. "I know. Stay still so I can scrub you."

He used Lars's soap, because it was Lars's dog, and worked it into a lather in his hands before rubbing it all over No. He discovered that dogs had more bits than he had imagined before, like all around their ears, and under their bellies, and between their toes. But No just panted and wagged his tail the whole time, which splashed muddy water up into Dameon's face, which made him wish _he_ was taking a bath, but when he looked at the color of the mud in the tub, he decided maybe he'd wash up at an inn or something.

"Hold still, No," he said. The lather had turned brown so he made some more, and went to rub it over the dog—

"Augh!"

No had stood up and was shaking the water and soap and dirt off himself, sending it in all directions. "No!" Dameon groaned. "Sit! Stay! Stop it!"

No barked and sat, and looked up at him with excessively large eyes. Dameon huffed and scratched No's ears— to rub the soap in, of course. He hated being manipulated by four-legged creatures. But here he was, and he couldn't help it. "Okay, we'll be done soon. Don't look at me like that. No! Ugh. Okay, well turn around for a second. I have to get your tail. There! No! Don't shake, one second—"

He managed to poor the rest of the water over No before the dog shook again, which at least got the rest of the dirt off but which did not prevent Dameon from being completely soaked, _again_. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. At least No was clean now. He pulled Lars' towel from the cabinet, lifted No out of the tub, and tried to dry the dog and ignore the fact that the washroom was now as filthy as the dog had been— and that the drawing room, and hallway, and kitchen, were not much better.

"For someone your size, you sure are a lot of trouble," Dameon sighed, while No pressed his face against the towel and barked happily.

Then the door flew open, which startled both No and Dameon, and they found themselves hugging each other while Elini stared down at them.

"Hmm," she said, looking around disapprovingly. "You two certainly made a mess in here."

Dameon did not scowl, even though he wanted to very, very badly. "We prefer to think of it," he began, "as transferring the mess from No to the rest of the room."

No barked and wagged his tail, which Dameon took to mean he agreed, and he patted No on the head and then scowled at himself for being such a pushover.

Elini shrugged. "Call it what you like, Sun Priest. But, ah, I hope you can get it cleaned up before the sword singer—"

That's when they heard it. The door banging open. Galahad's heavy footsteps. And then Rhen's loud, happy yell, " _We're back, everyone!"_

Dameon bit his lip, because he knew, almost as if it had happened before, that next came—

" _WHAT IN AIA HAVE YOU GUYS DONE TO THE PLACE?!_ "

Elini gave him a sympathetic glance, and fled the room, probably to hide in the library (where Rhen never went). He could hear everyone else doing likewise, and the _bang_ of the library door sounded like doom and abandonment. No whined and looked at him with those stupid huge eyes.

"It's okay," Dameon mumbled, hardly meaning it—

And Rhen's footsteps were coming down the hall. And her hand was on the door, pushing it farther open— her violet eyes taking everything in, little mouth scrunching up, her gaze falling on him and No, still on the ground—

"Dameon! _You_ did this?"

"I— I—" his heartbeat was in his throat and he swallowed hard to try and get it down. "Well, No— I mean— yes, but No— the dog, I mean— we—"

No barked and wagged his tail.

"We— we're— I'm— sorry— Rhen—"

Rhen blinked. And then she laughed. "You don't have much experience bathing animals, do you?"

Dameon blushed and pretended to be very interested in No's ears. "No."

She patted his arm. "It's all right. It's nice that you tried." Then she kneeled beside him and kissed No on the nose— which she definitely hadn't done for at least a few weeks, because No stunk way too much before. "But next time, maybe let me help you?"

He looked at her and couldn't help smiling, even though he could feel the mud on his face when he did it. "Of course," he said.

Then she kissed his ear and he couldn't think of anything charming or even sane to say, so he just kind of coughed and started trying to clean up the washroom— and the drawing room, and the hallway, and the kitchen. And his face. And clothes. And whole self. And he forgot to make dinner, which actually turned out to be okay because then they had to go out to eat and Lars didn't discover his filthy towel until much, much later that night, when Dameon could lock his bedroom door and pretend to be sleeping.

He had to unlock it later because No was scratching at his door.

" _No_ ," Dameon groaned. "No. Sleep in Lars's room."

Even though Lars was mad at No. The dog whined.

... And Dameon woke up the next morning with slobber all over his face.

* * *

 _Ahahahaha sorry I am a loser obsessed fangirl and can't keep RhenxDameon fluff out of anything I write ever. But, uh, it was only a little this time? So we're good?_

 _(But if you like Dameon here you should check out my other story. Shameless plug!)_


End file.
